~ Chapter 13 ~
The pounding on his hotel room door snapped Kevin back to the present. "Hang on," he yelled. He struggled to get out of bed. His body was still shaking. He held onto the dresser as he looked into the mirror. His eyes were small and red with dark circles for added effect. His hair was sticking out in all directions. He ran a shaky hand through his hair.
He made it to the door and pulled it open. Nick was standing there. "What do you want?" Kevin asked rudely.
Nick stared at him in shock. "Kev, what happened to you? You look like crap."
"Thank you for stating the obvious. Now I asked you, what do you want?"
"Gee, can't I come and see you without wanting something?" He pushed past Kevin into his room. The room was a disaster which was very unlike Kevin. He always kept his room tidy. "What the hell did you do in here?"
Kevin made his way to the bed and sat down. He counted to ten before answering Nick. "Nick, what I do in my own room is none of your business. Your room is always a pig sty so you shouldn't be commenting on mine."
"Yea but I'm known as the messy one." He sat down in a chair across from the bed. "Kev, is..." he paused.
"Spit it out Nicky!"
"Is this because you're not drinking anymore?"
"Is what?" Kevin asked, irritated.
"Is this why you're acting like this...and is this why you look like you do. I heard about people who stop something cold turkey. It's called withdrawal."
"My God, you know something. Surprise, surprise."
"Don't be sarcastic," Nick said. "I'm your friend. I just want to try and help you."
"Help me? How Nick?"
"Tell me why you started drinking?"
Kevin swallowed hard. Tell him why he started drinking? Never. "I already told you guys it was all the management issues we had last year. The lawsuit, Donna and Johnny, etc."
"You're lyin'," Nick accused bluntly.
"What? How dare you call me a liar!"
"I call 'em as I see 'em. Wanna know what I see when I look at you, Kev? I see my my big brother. But I don't see him as I used to. I use to see him as a rock. Someone I could go to for advice. Someone who would always look out for me cause I was younger. Someone who I use to argue with and who I annoyed daily. Someone that use to interrupt me and correct me all the time. The person I could always count on for the truth. Now I look at you and I see a silent, depressed person. Someone who doesn't bother to argue with me anymore -- doesn't care enough to tell me if I'm wrong or if I make a mistake. Someone who lies to me. What I wouldn't give right now to have you yell at me cause I messed up. You don't talk to me anymore. They say silence speaks a thousand words. Your silence tells me that you don't care about me the way you used to. I don't know what I did, Kev. I wish you could tell me so I could have my big brother back. Cause as much as I love Brian, you were always my rock." His voice cracked as he felt the tears coming near.
Kevin couldn't look Nick in the eyes. "Aren't you going to say anything?" Nick asked.
"...You keep telling me, I'll pay the price,
for asking you once and telling you twice
But I paid the day your emotions turned cold
Silence speaks a thousand words..."
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Kevin turned to Nick. "I have nothing to say. Your little speech, as touching as you may find it, did not pull my heartstrings. Now leave."
Nick was aghast. "Kevin, don't do this. Don't shut me out and don't hurt me with your words. I'm not as strong as I pretend I am. I've spent many a night crying myself to sleep since last year. Nothing's been the same since the accident."
"That's because you refuse to let go of your illusions that someone named Angel visited you. Find a girlfriend and move on."
"You think it's that easy? Angel is not an illusion! She is real! I'm gonna find her. You'll see."
Kevin shook his head. "Yea Nick. You will. Cause you're Nick Carter and you always get what you want."
"What's that suppose to mean? I don't always get what I want. I lost my girlfriend, remember? She left me for someone else. So don't go telling me that I always get what I want. Do do you know how much that hurt, Kev?"
"No," Kevin whispered.
"Stop ignoring me, dammit! Look at me and talk to me. What's going on with us? Why are you treating me like I'm from another dimension? What did I do to you?"
"You didn't do anything, Nicky."
"STOP LYIN' TO ME! You've been like this ever since I got out of the hospital. I didn't bother with it too much at first cause I thought you were upset that I almost died. Now I'm wondering. Did you want me to die, Kevin?"
Kevin walked to the window and stared out at the Parisien skyline. Not saying a word.
Nick's tears came in earnest now. "Kevin? You didn't want me to die, did you?"
Kevin faced the blond he'd always thought of a a little brother. "No, Nicky. I didn't. I would never wish death upon anyone. Especially people that I love. Stop crying and listen to me."
Somewhat mollified, Nick sniffled and listened to Kevin. "Nicky, you didn't do anything. I don't care whether or not you believe me. But you're right about one thing. You are annoying. I want you to leave me alone. Let me go through withdrawal by myself. Maybe once I feel semi-human again, things can go back to the way they were. But for now, I just want to be left alone. Can you understand that?"
Nick looked pained. "Yea, I understand. I understand a lot more than you think. You may think I'm just an airhead, but I know what's going on with you. Lie to me all you want. Keep all the secrets you want. But when you destroy the group, your friendships, and yourself, remember what I said. Remember the day I played big brother to you and remember the day you hurt me." He turned on his heel and left the room before he broke down completely.
Kevin fell onto the bed. His shoulders shook as he dissolved into tears. "I'm sorry Nicky. I did it again, didn't I?" he said outloud. He knew what he had to do now. There was only one way. Only one escape from the unrelenting pain.
Nick ran outside before anyone could see him. His face was awash in tears and his heart felt heavy. He collasped onto a lawn chair and stared into the pool. He must have sat there crying for half an hour before he heard someone coming. He knew if he got up to leave, whoever it was would see him. He didn't want anyone to see his face. His eyes were probably all puffy and swollen from crying. He turned to the side and hoped that they would leave.
But she had seen him. "Nick?" she said softly. "Is there anything I can do?"
Nick kept his back to her. "Go away Shae-Lyn. I'm fine."
"No you're not. I heard you crying. Talk to me."
Nick sighed in fustration. He turned to her, not caring if she saw the tears in his eyes. "Why is it that you're everywhere? Do you listen at my door to see when I'm leaving? Everywhere I go, you're there."
His words cut like a knife. "I..I'm sorry," she stammered, fighting back tears of her own. "I just wanted to help. Unlike some people, I tend to stick around when others are in pain."
She met Nick's eyes. Pain and hurt reflected in each other. Nick stood up and took a few steps in her direction. Knowing he was going to leave again, she stepped aside.
She couldn't have been more surprised when Nick reached out to her. "Hold me," he whispered. "Hold me and don't let go."
* Silence Speaks a Thousand Words
Debbie Gibson, ©1987
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