~ Chapter 43 ~
For the second time in a week, Kevin felt ready to faint. He fell onto the sofa, sobbing loudly. Loreto tried to comfort him while Shae looked at them helplessly, tears running down her face. She couldn't find the words that would make everything ok. "See yourselves out," was all she said.
She walked slowly upstairs. She could hear Nick crying as she approached his room. She opened the door without knocking. "What are you doing?" she asked, fear evident in her voice. Nick's suitcase lay open on his bed and he was cramming stuff into it.
"What does it look like? I'm leaving." He opened a drawer, grabbed some socks and underwear, and threw them in carelessly.
Shae looked at him, terror in her eyes. "Leaving? No Nick. You can't leave."
"Shae, I'm leaving the Backstreet Boys and Florida. I'm going someplace where no one knows me. I'm getting in my jeep with my pugs and just going. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I need to sort out my f**ked up life, I need to get Kevin out of my system. I need to figure out where to go from here. There's nothing here for me anymore."
"I'm here," she whispered.
Nick stared at her. "I'm sorry. I'll put you on a flight to Montreal before I leave."
"NO!" Shae screamed out louder than she intended.
Nick stopped packing and went to her, taking her into his arms. "I'm sorry Shae. I don't know what else to do."
"Take me with you," she said, weeping. "Please."
Nick looked down at her, shaking his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not very good company right now. I need to be alone."
"Nick please! I don't want to go home. I want to be with you." She held onto his shirt, crying louder. "You need me..." she gulped back her sobs, "and I need you."
Her green eyes glistened brightly with tears, her lower lip trembled. Nick's heart went out to her. He hugged her tightly. "Don't cry Shae-Lyn. You can come with me."
Looking at him through her tears, Shae sniffled. "Really?"
Nick managed a small smile. "Yea really. I...I've gotten used to having you around." He planted a kiss on her forehead. "Go pack. The sooner I leave here, the better for my sanity."
Shae went to her room. She knew running away wasn't the answer. Hadn't she always told him that? But she didn't want him to go off by himself. He was capable of anything in the frame of mind he was in. She needed to be there to protect him from himself. She just hoped that she could find a way to help him find his way back before the others found out.
A few hours later at Kevin's house
"Kev, do you want to talk? You know I'm here for you," Loreto said, brushing her hand against his cheek.
He shook his head. "I want to sleep. I'll talk to you later."
Loreto nodded and left him alone. Kevin sat up and swung his legs onto the floor, holding on to the side of the bed. He let the tears loose again. They cascaded down his cheeks, blinding him. His throat was thick with emotion. All he could ask himself was why? So many whys and no answers for any of them. Why did he ever agree to take a walk with that user that night almost two years ago? Why did he take her home and sleep with her? Why didn't he tell Nick about it? Why why why! He got up, grabbed a pillow off his bed, and hurled it at the mirror. "BECAUSE YOU'RE A DAMN IDIOT, RICHARDSON THAT'S WHY! BECAUSE YOU WANTED WHAT NICK HAD! BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE!" he screamed at his image, his face contorted in rage. "BECAUSE YOU'RE A F**KING ASSHOLE WHO DESERVES EVERY THING NICK SAID TO YOU! I HATE YOU!" He dropped to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably.
Loreto came running into the room. "Oh God..." she fell down beside Kevin and tried to comfort him, but he pushed her away. "What do you want? Go home, Loreto!" He stood up and walked out of his room.
Loreto followed him. He went out into the backyard and started ripping his clothes off. "Kevin, please...I know you're hurting...talk to me baby."
Her empathy was lost on Kevin. He looked at her, rage in his eyes. "I said GO HOME! I'm not your baby! I'm nothing." He grabbed her. "Do you understand me? I'm NOTHING! I have nothing to offer you! I'm a loser who stole one of his best-friend's fiancee and then almost killed him. Is that the kind of guy you want to call baby? Is that the kind of person you want in your life? I'm better off alone. This way I won't betray or hurt anyone." He released her and continued taking his clothes off.
Loreto watched in silence, tears creeping out of her eyes. "I think I'm old enough to make up my own mind about who I want in my life," she said as calmly as she could. "Didn't we swear love to one another last week? Didn't we lie in your bed and make love? Didn't you promise me a future of love, romance, and tenderness? Why does that have to change because you and Nick are on the outs?"
Kevin stared at her in bewilderment. "On the outs? Did you go deaf while we were at Nick's house? He hates me, Loreto! And he has every right to. I don't wanna stand here all night and justify myself to you. Do us both a favor and go home. Forget about me. You'll thank me in the end."
"No! I'm not gonna do that! I love you and you love me. You're upset and angry with yourself right now. Have a swim, clear your head, do whatever it takes, but I will NOT leave! We've come too far. I'm not letting you push me out of your life." She turned on her heel and stomped back into the house. Kevin yanked his boxers off and plunged into the icy water. 'We'll see how long you last, Loreto,' he thought to himself as he swam furious laps across the pool. 'You won't wanna be around me for long. Trust me.'
Nick decided to leave three of his dogs with the Beasley's, his kind next-door neighbors. "They always watch the dogs when I'm on tour," he told Shae. "They're elderly and their dog died a few years ago," he explained to Shae. "They love this brood like their own." He decided they would take Willie and Mikey with them.
When he came back, Shae told him to call Brian before they left.
"Why? Did he call?"
"No. But we can't just leave town and not tell anyone."
"I'm not calling anyone," he snapped. "Are you done packing?"
Shae nodded. He grabbed her bags and headed downstairs. "Nick...you have committments."
He didn't answer her. He grabbed his backpack from the hall closet and went into the livingroom. "I couldn't care less about any committments," he called over his shoulder.
Shae sighed, frustrated. "At least call Brian. Everyone will be worried sick when you don't show up for rehearsals on Monday."
Nick grabbed a stack of CDs off his wall-unit and shoved them into his backpack. "Alright Shae. I'll call Rok when we get to North Carolina. Are you happy now?"
"North Carolina? Is that our final destination?"
He nodded. "I went there with my parents a couple of years ago. We stayed in this cabin in the mountains with a lake right at the foot of the mountain. It's beautiful Shae. The perfect place for me to do my thinking and for the pugs to run around." When Shae remained silent, Nick searched her eyes. "Shae, you do understand my decision, right? Why I'm doing this?
"Yes and no," she answered honestly.
Nick sat them down on the sofa. He faced her, one leg curled underneath his body. "Shae, since like 1995 I've been living in this magical world in a big balloon. Everything for us was getting better every year. More recognition and finally hitting it big here at home. Then there was my accident and everything that followed it...losing my fiancee, Brian's surgery, our managerial problems and ensuing court battles, death of close friends. Since then it feels like the air is slowly leaking out of the balloon. As time passes, I feel the walls and ceiling are beginning to close in on me. Now after all this, I'm near suffocation. I need to break out Shae, before the life is sucked out of me."
Shae understood. She reached over and hugged him. She knew all too well the pain of suffocation. The need to get away before you gave in to it. She let him go and knelt down to pick up Mikey. Nick followed suit, grabbing Willie. Their eyes met and held. Nick leaned over and dropped a quick, yet soft kiss on her lips. "Thank you." He smiled at her. A genuine smile.
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