~ Chapter 46 ~
Kevin stood outside the door for a minute. The phone call from Denise two hours earlier had sent him into a state of panic. He didn't know why, but he was scared. Yes he knew why. Because he couldn't remember anything much about the night before. The knowledge that he could somehow be responsible for Loreto's accident terrified him.
He opened the door slowly and walked into her room. His breath caught in his throat as he stared at the woman he loved. She appeared to be sleeping. His gaze took everything in; from the chalky white pallor of her normally light-brown skin, to her left arm swathed in bandages, to the IV dripping precariously at her side. He grabbed a chair and pulled it close to the bed. Taking her right hand in between his, he rubbed it softly. At his touch, her eyes fluttered open. Her head turned his way slowly until she made eye contact with him. She saw sorrow and fear in his eyes. It didn't sadden her; it made her angry. She opened her mouth to talk, but Kevin put a finger to her lips. "Sshh baby..."
"Don't call me baby!" The words shot out of her mouth like a missle. Kevin seemed stunned that she had so much strenght when she looked so weak. When he didn't say anything, she continued, "How did you know I was here?"
"Denise called me a little while ago. She told me you were in a car accident last night. Why were you out in a storm, Lo?"
A jolt of pain shot through Loreto. She blinked a few times. It hurt, but not as much as the pain in her heart. She looked at Kevin, trying to read his mind through his eyes. "I was on my way to see you."
Kevin's eyes widened and he started fidgeting, like he always did when he was nervous or anxious. "W...why? Didn't you listen to the news? There were warnings all evening about the hurricane and for people to stay where they were."
Loreto's nerves were about shot. Between the pain in her abdomen and the painkillers that seemed ineffective, she was about to lose it. She exhaled slowly. "Kevin, I didn't listen to the news because I was on the road all day yesterday. I had an appointment and four meetings, some of which were an hour away. By the time I got to the mall, I was frazzled and exhausted. I got some groceries and was heading home when the winds picked up. When I got home, the phone rang and it was Shae."
Kevin's eyes widened. "Shae? Where...?"
"Kevin I'm not talking about them. You wanted to know why I was on my way to see you? Well let me finish." She glared at Kevin who nodded and sat back, still fidgety. "While I was talking to Shae, the power went out. The storm was progressing and I'm scared of hurricanes, especially seeing as I've never been in one. I called you from my cell."
"You did?"
"Yea Kev, I did. But you don't remember that, do you?" Her voice dripped sarcasm.
Kevin looked away from her and out the window. "Of...of course I remember. I mean, I was really busy and I probaby forgot that you called..but yea..." His voice trailed off.
Loreto managed to pull herself up and leaned closer to him. Looking him dead in the eyes, she said, "Don't ever f**king lie to me again, you bastard! You don't remember because you were stoned out of your mind."
Kevin stood up quickly, knocking the chair backwards. It crashed to the floor. "I was not stoned! You don't know what you're talking about." He ran his hands through his hair, pacing the floor in front of her bed.
Loreto shook her head. "I DO KNOW! You want me to tell you what else I know? When you answered the phone you asked me to come over cause you were having a party. Then you proceeded to tell me about the three GD hookers you had there with you who f**ked your brains out! Does any of THAT ring a bell? How about the fact that you paid these walking HIV cases $3000? Did you check your wallet, Kev? Are you short $3000? Or maybe you wrote them a f**king check! Did you also conveniently forget that you have a girlfriend who you claimed to love so much? Was all that a lie? Or was it the drugs? When do the drugs stop being the reason and excuse for everything you do and say? When are you gonna stop being a GD coward hiding behind that shit? When does it end, Kevin?" She stopped talking. She was out of breath.
Kevin was leaning against the wall. Trying to digest everything she said. Not wanting to accept blame. His mind was a whirlwind of emotions. "I'm not a coward! You don't know what it's like to be in my body. Walk a thousand miles in my shoes and then go and shout your accusations at me. I guarentee you won't be."
Loreto snorted. "Gimme a friggin' break! I do know what you're going through cause it's all you ever talk about. This stumble back into darkness is all because of Nick, right? Because Nick won't forgive you for what you did to him? Why don't you try walking a mile in HIS SHOES, Kevin, and then see what kind of accusations you'll be shouting."
Kevin's hopes sunk. "I thought you were on my side. I guess I was wrong."
"There is no side here. All I see is a young guy who's heart was broken by his girlfriend and one of his best friends. Instead of giving him time to heal, you act like a jackass. Do you honestly think doing cocaine is going to help you somehow? Do you think your problems are gonna go away because you're snorting up that shit? No Kev! You're creating new ones. With long-lasting effects. If that near-death experience in Sweden didn't scare you, you're a bigger jerk than I thought."
"Stop calling me names! I'm not a jerk. I don't know what else to do, Lo! Every time I open my mouth, someone's shouting accusations at me. If it's not Nick, it's the other guys, Shae, Denise, Lou, whoever! I'm sick of it. So I made a mistake. I'm human! Haven't you ever done anything you've regretted? Am I going to have to be the proverbial bad guy whom no one likes that's banished from town?"
Loreto sighed. "I've made mistakes Kevin. But I've never done anything that would cost someone their life." Her eyes flooded with tears.
"Lo, I would never intentionally do anything to hurt Nicky. You know that. I love him like a brother and always have. I can't begin to tell you how I feel when I think of Nick in that coma....it tears me apart to think that I could have killed him." His voice broke.
Loreto felt no pity for him. He had no idea what she was feeling. "I'm not talking about Nick, Kevin."
Kevin looked up. "What?"
Wiping her eyes, she tried to compose herself. "Kevin...last night when you told me that you had women there, I lost it. But I also knew you had to be on something again because you weren't acting like you'd been since you stopped doing them. I left my appartment because I wanted to confront you. Not only about the women and the drugs, but I needed to talk to you. Kevin..." His name hung in the air as he waited expectantly for her to finish. She seemed to be gasping for air as she uttered, "Kevin, I was pregnant with your baby." She burst into tears then as Kevin staggered from the blow of her words.
It seemed like forever before either of them spoke. Kevin felt the life draining out of him as he let himself fall at the foot of the bed. "You....you were pregnant? Were?"
Loreto nodded. "I miscarried last night."
"Oh God!" Kevin's buried his face in his hands. He cried for a few minutes before looking at her. But his eyes couldn't quite meet hers. "How far along?" he croaked.
"Six weeks." Loreto gulped. She tried to remain calm while she told Kevin that she'd suspected for at least a month that she might be pregnant. She finally went to the doctor yesterday and he confirmed it. But when her car rammed into the fallen tree, one of the branches crashed through the windshield and slammed into her stomach. "The force of the blow caused me to miscarry," she finished tearfully.
"Oh God," Kevin said again, not wanting to believe the ugly truth. "I'm so sorry, baby. Why didn't you tell me you thought you might be pregnant? I could've taken you to the hospital sooner. Then maybe..."
"Then maybe what, Kev? You wouldn't have fallen off the wagon? Would knowing you were having a baby have changed anything? Nick would still be hating you. None of that would've changed."
"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"
"And I guess we'll never find out. I made my choice just like you made yours. Except mine never proved to be fatal until now."
"Meaning what? Are you blaming yourself for killing our baby?"
"All I'm gonna say is if you wouldn't have been stoned and screwing three women, I wouldn't have ran out in a storm to see you. I was actually calling you just to hear your voice so you could calm me down. If I wouldn't have left the house, Kevin, our child would still be growing in my belly. But like I said, that was-"
Kevin stood up, letting out something between a moan and a sob. "So you're not blaming yourself. You're blaming me. You think I killed our child. Just like I almost killed Nick." His spat the words out, angry tears coursing down his face. "Hey, here's a novel idea, maybe I killed my dad, too. Cause, afterall, all I am is a screwed up asshole who murders the people he loves!" He looked at her bitterly.
"Kevin..."
"No, Loreto, you're right. It's my fault. Everything's my fault."
His voice was too calm. She started to shake. "Kevin, I'm not saying..."
"Just shut up. I don't want to hear anymore. I'm sorry you're hurting. If I could take it all away, I would. The only thing I can do is get out of your life so you'll never be miserable or hurt again. Just tell Nick that I love him." He opened the door and turned back to her. "I love you, too. Goodbye."
|
